Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Secure Your Mask First


Disclaimer…

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organizations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated.  

I remember flying to Miami one day and the flight attendant began the pre-flight safety demonstration. She gave several instructions, but the one that stood out the most to me was when she explained that if the air pressure in the cannon dropped below standard levels, an emergency oxygen mask was available for everyone on the flight. She then added, “If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.” I was perplexed by that rule. I remember thinking to myself, if my child is with me and there’s a drop in oxygen, I’m securing their mask first so that they are safe.

After thinking about that for a short while, I then began to ponder on the reason for being instructed to secure my safety mask before securing my child’s. If I put my child’s mask on first and fail to secure mine, how could I truly help them if something went wrong with me and I died in the process? How could I protect my precious baby in the long run, if I didn’t take all precautionary measures to protect myself enough to survive for them? I had an epiphany that day sitting in my little coach airplane seat as the flight attendant continued to ramble on.

Being in a relationship… For some people, that’s their ultimate goal in life. I didn’t say being in a healthy, loving, or nurturing relationship. I specifically said for some people, their ultimate goal in life is to be in a relationship. I’ve seen people put more effort in securing a relationship than securing “security” for their own future. I’ve seen people spend more time, effort, and energy on providing their significant other with love and attention than they spend on loving and attending to themselves. These individuals are not SECURING THEIR MASK FIRST! How could you truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself? How could you attempt to be someone’s all when you’re broken inside? The only person that I know that could work such a miracle is Jesus. Jesus is the only person that used five loaves of bread and two fish to feed five thousand men. Now, if you’re able to fuel someone’s heart, mind, body, and soul with your very limited heart, mind, body, and soul without compromising yourself in every capacity then so be it. However, based off experience, I don’t see that happening, and if it does, chances are it will not end well for both the receiver and the pleaser.

Let me tell you about my experience with securing someone else’s mask before securing mine.  I dated my first boyfriend when I was around eighteen years old.  That relationship wasn’t healthy by far.  As a matter of fact, all I remember is making frequent withdrawals from my heart and depositing it into his, without ever depositing anything back into my account.  This went on for years until I came to the realization that this cycle wasn’t going to end, so I walked away from that relationship and entered a new one.  This new relationship appeared to be what I wanted at first, until I realized that I was again making withdrawals from my heart and depositing it into someone else’s, and although this time around the guy made some deposits to my heart, it wasn’t half of what I was giving to him.  So, guess what? I walked away from that relationship and entered a new one, and the dysfunctional cycle continued.  From one toxic relationship to another, I was withdrawing from my heart and depositing love into someone else’s and constantly being shortchanged.  I was securing their mask and making sure they were good, all while suffocating from low self-esteem, depression, feelings of abandonment, and so much more.  It wasn’t until I met my fiancé, Tyran Hill, who challenged me to love myself first before loving him that I truly realized the bad investments that I’ve made over the years. 

I’ve accepted a man who wouldn’t get a job because he made a career out of taking from me.  I was working my ass off to take care of an adult that I couldn’t even claim on my taxes.  BAD INVESTMENT!  I accepted a man who dated me for years with no intensions of making an honest woman out of me.  I’m sitting at his house cooking, cleaning, washing, and doing all my wifely duties, before heading back to my actual residence at my momma’s house.  BAD INVESTMENT!  I accepted a man who thought he was prettier than I was.  Here’s the kicker… This man had more issues than Vogue, and I was covering them up so much to protect his image to the point that his issues became my issues, and he had the nerve to shine the light on my flaws and attempt to get me together.  BAD DAMN INVESTMENT!

I could sit and write about this topic for hours, but I’m going to close out this blog by saying this.; anyone that’s willing to allow you to put them before yourself is someone you need to run far away from.  Anyone that’s consistently taking from you and failing to return the favor is a loser, user, abuser, and a low-down dirty word that starts with mother and ends with the letters “er.” That’s someone that you don’t need in your life.  You will never see the fruit of your labor because he or she will always eat it up.  That’s why it’s important to secure your mask before securing theirs.  Date yourself.  Learn your likes and dislikes.  Discover what makes you happy and what makes you sad.  Get dressed to impress not a single soul but yourself and walk around with the swag and confidence of a billion Beyoncé’s.  Deposit love into your own heart and determine your own worth without feeling the need to be validated by being in a relationship.  Secure Your Mask First and Then Assist the Other Person!

By Dr. Keisha Starr AKA Author Keisha Starr

 

Sunday, February 10, 2019

It's Called "Mental Health Illness" NOT "Mental Health Willingness!"



Disclaimer…

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organizations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated.  


       My publicist has been grilling me to write a blog for the past few weeks, but I’ve been pondering over what I wanted to talk about for my debut topic.  I mean, all the other blogs following the first one will pretty much go with the flow. However, I wanted my first blog to be fun, vibrant, and exciting.  I wanted it to represent me and my personality, which is often silly, entertaining, and relaxed.  Yet, as I sit down to write, all that keeps coming to mind are real-life issues that aren’t so fun and sometimes difficult to discuss.  You see, Keisha Starr, the author, has an imagination that is beyond this world, but, Keisha Wizzart, the Human Services/Mental Health professional deals with real life issues on a daily basis that are way more dramatic than anything that Keisha Starr could envision.   

The recent, sudden death of actor Kristoff St. John, formally known to his fans as Neil Winters from the daytime soap opera “The Young & the Restless,” is navigating this blog that I’m writing today.  I don’t know the logistics of his death, mental health status, or family dynamics, but I do know that he lost his son to suicide five years ago and has been battling depression and substance abuse ever since.  From the news report, I gather that mental illness played a major role in his death, whether it was directly or indirectly.  So, this is the topic that I choose to talk about.  Although I would love to sit here and give my point-of-view on my favorite reality shows, discuss what’s hot and what’s not in today’s fashion world, give tips and suggestions on what it takes to be a successful writer, and recap all the funny moments of Soulja Boy’s Breakfast Club interview, I can’t help but to speak on a topic that is often perceived as taboo in my culture.  There are many people suffering from mental health illness, yet, only a few would admit it, and only a small percentage of the few who are willing to admit it, will actually seek professional help to address it.  This is especially prominent in the African-American community, and even worse if you’re an Islander.   

I was born in Baltimore, Maryland, but both of my parents are from Kington, Jamaica.  I was raised in a huge, loving and supportive family, and even as an adult, I still feel the comfort of knowing that my family will always have my back.  Yet, when I first exhibited signs of mental health issues, the first thing my family did was go into full-fledge protection mode. This consisted of drawing a cross on my forehead with olive oil, praying away the devil and evil spirits, and anointing my soul with holy water and ginger tea.  Yes, ginger tea fixes any and everything in a Jamaican household.  Also, my family was adamant about keeping my mental health issue amongst the family, and not allowing outsiders to take advantage of my vulnerability.  They weren’t ashamed of me by far, but they knew that the world we lived in was closedminded about these types of situations, and that being open about mental illness could one day be used against me.  

        Now, on the flipside, when I had a cold or was physically sick my mother called my doctor, took me to his office for an evaluation, and gave me medication that was prescribed to treat my symptoms.  She also took a doctor’s note to school to explain why I was out.  Seems pretty logical, right?   Wrong!  This practice ultimately made me see mental and physical health differently.  Physical health issues were perceived as something that a person couldn’t control and needed help addressing.  It was something that I could discuss openly and shouldn’t feel ashamed of because it wasn’t my fault.  Mental health issues, on the other hand, were something that I felt embarrassed of.  I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that I was sad all the time or was using food to bring happiness in my life because I thought that people would judge me and label me as weak-minded.  I felt like it was up to me to fix my own situation without anyone’s help, and for that reason I ended up being 300 pounds, suffering from depression by the age of twenty-three, and everyone around me was totally blindsided when I began wilding out and engaging in all sorts of rebellious behaviors.             



As I mentioned, I had and still have a GREAT family network of people who provide me with love, nurture me, and show attention and affection.  I’m not the most successful person in the world, but I have three degrees and one on the way, a productive career, a handsome fiancé, and two super cool sons.  I have the most wonderful family, close friends, an abundance of associates and fans who faithfully support me, yet, with all that, mental illness found its way in my life.  I was raised to believe that mental health was an “in-home” situation that stayed behind closed doors, and that mental health illness was something that God could fix.  Although my religion and faith played a huge role in my recovery, it wasn’t until I became open and receptive to seeking professional help that I truly gained insight on how and why my mental health issues even manifested, and at that moment, I learned how to control and conquer it. 

I think sometimes people mistake mental illness with something that someone can regulate.  It’s called mental ILLNESS not mental WILLINGNESS.  Let me explain myself a little further.  According to an online dictionary, the term illness is defined as a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind.  Willingness is defined as the quality or state of being prepared to do something.  This means that mental illness is in fact a disease.   It is a serious medical condition that requires treatment to cure or control just as cancer, diabetes, hypertension, etc.  No one wakes up and says, “This is the day the Lord has made, let me have a stroke.”  No one lays in bed at night and thinks to themselves, “I think I will make cancer cells grow in my body so that I can sit and relax at the cancer treatment center for a couple days a week.”  This is the same for mental illness.  No one in this world would willingly wants to have their mind controlled by a psychologic disorder such as depression, bipolar disease, or schizophrenia, and if there is someone willing to do this, I can almost bet my life on it that person is already suffering from a psychological disorder.       

In today’s social-media-driven world, people are predisposed to varied mental health situations.  I know that I’ve read a few posts from friends and family on my social media pages that made my left eyebrow stand all the way up.  I’ve seen people crying out for attention by saying the most off the wall things.  I’ve seen people boldly stating that they are depressed and in need of help.  I’ve even witnessed people posting their suicide letters and saying their final goodbyes to their loved ones.  I, myself, recently shared a post that I thought was simple in nature, but it turned out that it placed me in a position to be a voice of reason to several friends and family members who were going through some rough patches that no one knew about.  Hell, I found out that a good friend of mind was in the middle of an active divorce through this post.  Mind you, I thought she was still happily married to her husband and was in a good space.  

The post that I made was titled “Mental Health Check-In,” and it basically had different color hearts on there, and based on the color heart that you placed under the post, I was able to see where you were mentally at that moment.  The options ranged from “I’m doing great” to “I’m in a really dark place.”  I was both surprised and inspired by many people who weren’t afraid to be honest and vulnerable about what they were going through.  I actually found time to contact everyone who shared that they were in a dark place or wouldn’t mind if someone reached out to them.  It was great to see people being vocal about not feeling mentally stable at that moment and being receptive to receiving help.

Whether you’re the actual person experiencing a mental health crisis, or you know someone who is, the most important thing to do is connect them to someone or resources that could help them.  I’m not a medical professional, so I would not sit here and claim to know the exact signs and symptoms of someone suffering from a mental health issue.  However, based on my personal experience, education in the human services and marriage and family counseling field, and countless years of working with an array of people that have been diagnosed with a mental health issue, I can list some common signs of mental health illness.  Please be aware of certain emotional or behavioral changes such as  prolong sadness and depression, loss of appetite, dramatic sleep, social withdrawal and a constant need to be alone[SPWS1] , irrational thinking and speech, or engagement in behaviors that seem strange or can lead to serious consequences.   

If you or someone you know exhibit any of these signs, call a professional and set up an appointment right away.  The emergency room of any local hospital is open 365 days of the year, and they have medical staff on duty to help with mental health needs.  If you’re in the Baltimore area you can contact the Baltimore Crisis Response Unit 24/7 at 410-433-5175.  The most important thing to remember is that you’re NEVER alone, although you may feel that way.  Believe it or not, we are living in a time where it’s not that people are ignoring you or don’t feel your pain.  It very much could be that they are also going through something traumatic and are coping with their own pain to the point that yours aren’t visible to their eye.  So, speak up and be vocal.  Don’t be afraid or shamed to say I need help.  Again, it called mental ILLNESS not WILLINGNESS!  You did nothing to provoke this disease, but you can do something to make it go away to live another day!

By Dr. Keisha Wizzart AKA Author Keisha Starr

Sis, Be His Significant Other, NOT His Mother!

  Disclaimer…  This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and ...