I remember
flying to Miami one day and the flight attendant began the pre-flight safety
demonstration. She gave several instructions, but the one that stood out the
most to me was when she explained that if the air pressure in the cannon dropped
below standard levels, an emergency oxygen mask was available for everyone on
the flight. She then added, “If you are travelling with a child or someone who
requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other
person.” I was perplexed by that rule. I remember thinking to myself, if my
child is with me and there’s a drop in oxygen, I’m securing their mask first so
that they are safe.
After
thinking about that for a short while, I then began to ponder on the reason for
being instructed to secure my safety mask before securing my child’s. If I put
my child’s mask on first and fail to secure mine, how could I truly help them if
something went wrong with me and I died in the process? How could I protect my
precious baby in the long run, if I didn’t take all precautionary measures to
protect myself enough to survive for them? I had an epiphany that day sitting
in my little coach airplane seat as the flight attendant continued to ramble
on.
Being in a
relationship… For some people, that’s their ultimate goal in life. I didn’t say
being in a healthy, loving, or nurturing relationship. I specifically said for
some people, their ultimate goal in life is to be in a relationship. I’ve seen
people put more effort in securing a relationship than securing “security” for
their own future. I’ve seen people spend more time, effort, and energy on
providing their significant other with love and attention than they spend on
loving and attending to themselves. These individuals are not SECURING THEIR
MASK FIRST! How could you truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself?
How could you attempt to be someone’s all when you’re broken inside? The only
person that I know that could work such a miracle is Jesus. Jesus is the only
person that used five loaves of bread and two fish to feed five thousand men.
Now, if you’re able to fuel someone’s heart, mind, body, and soul with your
very limited heart, mind, body, and soul without compromising yourself in every
capacity then so be it. However, based off experience, I don’t see that happening,
and if it does, chances are it will not end well for both the receiver and the
pleaser.
Let me
tell you about my experience with securing someone else’s mask before securing
mine. I dated my first boyfriend when I was around eighteen years old. That
relationship wasn’t healthy by far. As a matter of fact, all I
remember is making frequent withdrawals from my heart and depositing it into
his, without ever depositing anything back into my account. This
went on for years until I came to the realization that this cycle wasn’t going
to end, so I walked away from that relationship and entered a new
one. This new relationship appeared to be what I wanted at first,
until I realized that I was again making withdrawals from my heart and
depositing it into someone else’s, and although this time around the guy made
some deposits to my heart, it wasn’t half of what I was giving to
him. So, guess what? I walked away from that relationship and
entered a new one, and the dysfunctional cycle continued. From one
toxic relationship to another, I was withdrawing from my heart and depositing
love into someone else’s and constantly being shortchanged. I was
securing their mask and making sure they were good, all while suffocating from
low self-esteem, depression, feelings of abandonment, and so much
more. It wasn’t until I met my fiancé, Tyran Hill, who challenged me
to love myself first before loving him that I truly realized the bad
investments that I’ve made over the years.
I’ve
accepted a man who wouldn’t get a job because he made a career out of taking
from me. I was working my ass off to take care of an adult that I
couldn’t even claim on my taxes. BAD INVESTMENT! I
accepted a man who dated me for years with no intensions of making an honest
woman out of me. I’m sitting at his house cooking, cleaning,
washing, and doing all my wifely duties, before heading back to my actual
residence at my momma’s house. BAD INVESTMENT! I
accepted a man who thought he was prettier than I was. Here’s the
kicker… This man had more issues than Vogue, and I was covering them up so much
to protect his image to the point that his issues became my issues, and he had
the nerve to shine the light on my flaws and attempt to get me
together. BAD DAMN INVESTMENT!
I could
sit and write about this topic for hours, but I’m going to close out this blog
by saying this.; anyone that’s willing to allow you to put them before yourself
is someone you need to run far away from. Anyone that’s consistently
taking from you and failing to return the favor is a loser, user, abuser, and a
low-down dirty word that starts with mother and ends with the letters “er.”
That’s someone that you don’t need in your life. You will never see
the fruit of your labor because he or she will always eat it
up. That’s why it’s important to secure your mask before securing
theirs. Date yourself. Learn your likes and
dislikes. Discover what makes you happy and what makes you
sad. Get dressed to impress not a single soul but yourself and walk
around with the swag and confidence of a billion Beyoncé’s. Deposit
love into your own heart and determine your own worth without feeling the need
to be validated by being in a relationship. Secure
Your Mask First and Then Assist the Other Person!
By Dr. Keisha Starr AKA
Author Keisha Starr
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